Why Do We Stay? Understanding Rusbult’s Investment Model in Relationships
Relationships are complex. Some last a lifetime, while others fade or break apart. But have you ever wondered why people stay in relationships, even when they’re struggling? Or why some couples weather storms that others don’t?
Dr. Caryl Rusbult’s Investment Model of Commitment helps answer these questions. It sheds light on what makes people stay or leave romantic relationships, offering valuable insights for couples and individuals seeking clarity in their love lives.
The Three Pillars of Commitment
According to Rusbult’s model, commitment in a relationship isn’t just about love or attraction—it’s built on three key factors:
1. Satisfaction: “How happy am I here?”
Satisfaction is about how fulfilling and rewarding a relationship feels. It’s influenced by:
Emotional and physical intimacy
Support and understanding
Shared values and goals
Overall happiness within the partnership
When satisfaction is high, commitment naturally strengthens. But dissatisfaction doesn’t always mean the end—many people stay even when they’re unhappy. Why? That’s where the next two factors come in.
2. Alternatives: “Is there someone (or something) better?”
This is where comparison comes in—whether consciously or unconsciously.
Are there better romantic options?
Would life be happier or easier alone?
Are emotional needs being met elsewhere (friends, work, hobbies)?
If someone believes they have better alternatives, they’re more likely to consider leaving. But if alternatives seem worse or unavailable, they may stay—even in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling.
3. Investment: “How much have I put into this?”
Investment refers to everything a person has given to the relationship that would be lost if they left. This includes:
Time (years spent together)
Emotional energy (shared experiences, deep bonds)
Finances (shared home, savings, business ventures)
Family & Social Ties (kids, mutual friends, in-laws)
The more someone has invested, the harder it feels to walk away. Even if they’re unhappy, the fear of losing everything they’ve built can keep them in the relationship.
So, Why Do People Stay in Unhappy Relationships?
You might wonder—if someone is deeply unhappy, why don’t they leave?
They feel trapped by high investments (“I’ve spent 10 years in this marriage—I can’t just start over.”)
They see no better alternatives (“Dating sounds exhausting. What if I never find someone else?”)
They hope things will improve (“Maybe if we go to therapy, things will change.”)
This explains why commitment isn’t just about love—it’s a balance of satisfaction, alternatives, investment and choices.
How Can This Help You?
Whether you’re in a relationship or reflecting on past ones, Rusbult’s model provides a roadmap for self-awareness. Ask yourself:
✔ Am I satisfied, or am I just staying because I’ve invested so much?
✔ Do I see alternatives as a real possibility, or am I afraid of change?
✔ If I took investments out of the equation, would I still choose this relationship?
If your answers reveal commitment based on fear or obligation rather than love and fulfillment, it might be time for an honest conversation—with yourself and your partner.
One the other hand, if your investments in the relationship are high, it may be time to focus on increasing satisfaction as an honest alternative. Instead of feeling trapped, consider trying couples therapy to rekindle emotional connection, improve communication, and rediscover shared joy.
Final Thoughts: Commitment is a Choice
Commitment isn’t just about emotions—it’s about choices, circumstances, and what we believe is possible. Understanding your own motivations can help you make healthier, more empowered relationship decisions.
And remember—staying or leaving isn’t about “right” or “wrong”. It’s about what’s best for your emotional well-being, growth, and happiness. And if others judge you for staying, remember that your relationship is yours to navigate, not theirs. Healing and rebuilding take time, and no one outside your situation truly understands your journey.
